My vision board

 I took my courage to post my vision board although it might seem / it's totally ambitious but still I posted it because I am curious as to where it going to take me. I really want to challenge myself this time and see which of these things will I be able to achieve within the time frame that I set for myself. It's been a long while that I'm suffering from boredom and lack of motivation ever since the things that I've planned and dream about didn't happen and now a big part of it has a little to no chance of happening ever. This is why I am giving myself a chance to redeem myself by creating a new set of goals which I believe with confidence that I have a greater chance of achieving. The past few months has been dark for me. There were a lot of mornings that I dreaded waking up. Many times when I'm just forcing myself to get up, move and go to work. There were a lot of sleepless nights and tears in silence. I thought that I might not be able to greet the new yea

My Angels

 My angels Wish you were here Wish you were not gone As I miss you dearly I want to see you home Or else kindly take me To where you are today So we can hug each other tightly And I can hear you say "We love you mommy! " 😢

It's done!

Drip drop drip drop! It's raining cats and dogs. Suddenly dark clouds covered the clear sky. She froze as she looked out the window while witnessing the sudden change of weather then she went back to the living room and continue in watching her favorite sitcom. The scenes were funny and hilarious but she felt her heart hurt. She fought the urge to cry but the hole inside her widen and went deeper. She can't fight it, no! her tears welled down. It's been months now since that feeling visited her again. She would ignore and set it aside but it keeps coming back. The feeling of being unwanted, alone, of being unworthy of anything, of being unloved, no value and her existence isn't important to anyone and has no bearing to the world. She would fight that feeling every day as she wakes up without motivation to move nor to do anything. But then half of her insists that she should continue on living. She obliged herself to function and move on but that feeling never stop. It c

How ectopic pregnancy took away my chance of being a mom

Ectopic pregnancy is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It was October 14, 2016, a few days after I got my Big Fat Positive. I was overwhelmed with excitement because I am pregnant again. (My first pregnancy ended up in miscarriage at 15 weeks, almost a year later.) But then I had some spotting and though it was almost nothing at all, the fact that I miscarried with my first scared and alarmed me, so I rendered a half day at work and went for a checkup. The sonographer didn't see anything inside my uterus instead she said that there's some fluid. I was told to undergo operation immediately for it is an ectopic and it would be dangerous for me if it would burst that it would cause my life. I was devastated, they took my right fallopian tube. The doctor told me not to worry for I can still get pregnant with one tube. Although I'm sad for the mere fact that I lost my baby again, I saw a ray of hope. Two years later, I got a positive  pregnancy. I again prayed and hope t

My Bean I dreamt of seeing you on foot, instead you developed wings and fly away from us I imagined your voice but instead I can hear you whispering a prayer from up above. I'm sorry that we lost you, I'm sorry my body's weak. I'm sorry I misled you, so they had to take you away. I'm sorry you had to leave before coming to this world. You are our seed, our bean, our pickle. You are our dream, our hope, our joy. We've been together in one body, you breathe through me. I felt you the moment you were there. I imagined your smile, your cry, your laughs. I smiled thinking of your voice, your hugs, your touch. I dreamt of your little hands, your feet, your sweet little eyes. I'm sorry, it seems not fair. My little angel I'll forever miss to hold you dear.